I see the end to this tunnel

I've decided that life is one huge subway system. Sometimes we get to choose which line to take, and sometimes not. You never completely leave the system though. After all, you have a long way to go. You'll come to the end of one line, get out on the lighted platform and start on the next leg of your trip. Always setting off or coming to another lighted platform.

It has almost been a year since Jeff was laid off. It has been one of the worst years of my life. I have never been this stressed out for this long of a period. Being mentally and physically wiped for that long will either kill a person or make them stronger...I'm still here to type this, so it's probably the later of the equation.

In this long dark tunnel I have lost many things along the way. I have been stripped of all my pride. I've had to do things that I never thought I would have to and accept help from everyone. I have been to the edge of loosing everything that Jeff and I have spent 11 years building and acquiring. Now I seem to be leaping off that edge into the wide abyss, hoping that I made the right choice in hurling not only me, but my family. I have been put in a situation that I can't afford to buy my own food for my family. We're having to sell our house that we waited a long time to get, not to mention we love. I've had to rely on someone else to help clothe me and my children, because everything we get goes to a bill of some sort...thanks Mom. I've spent a year of not knowing what is coming next. I felt hopeless, scared, angry, and depressed. This is the darkest tunnel. I just couldn't see any light. I've even fell so down in spirit at times that I've questioned the existence of God. This has been to date one of the largest, longest, and hardest trials I've ever had in my life.

I want to tell you all though, I see the light. I am so filled with relief and joy because of this light. With the blessing of retrospect, I'm now able to see that this was also the best year of my life. My pride was broken. "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." I have had help from friends and family. In the winter, I was so cold. We had our heat turned down to save money. I would wear the thickest socks, sweatshirt, and two blankets just to keep the shivers away. My sweet aunt and uncle sent us some money so we could turn our heat up. I will never forget such a loving gesture. It has been hard to accept these blessings, but they fill me with so much gratitude and love it's hard to express.

Because of this long tunnel, Jeff and I are pursuing a life long dream. Without this year, neither Jeff or I would have the courage or inclination to do this. It's going to be one of our greatest endeavors. Jeff will realize his dream of becoming a doctor. I have wanted to go the dental hygienist route ever since I was a teenager. I feel confident that Jeff and I will succeed. I know that with these chosen professions, we are guaranteeing a great life for our family. We will be able to have and do what we want. The most important thing will be the ability to pay it forward. I think the best way to payback all of the help and love we've received, is to do the same for someone else down the line. I, in fact, can't wait.

So, this dark and long tunnel of my life has finally come to it's end. I'm stepping out onto the lighted platform. I get to choose the line to ride this time. This time I'm not scared. I know what lies ahead, for the most part. I know when we reach the end of it, life will be even better. I know that the Lord will never leave me to go it alone.