Monday, December 14, 2009

Blue Christmas


I'm having a really hard time with Christmas this year. I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I just don't feel any Christmas spirit and it really bothers me. It could be the middle of March and I don't think I could tell the difference. I realize why, Jeff's not here.

He's gone in the Tri-Cities all week long and comes home on the weekends. I just feel half gone all week. The weekends a far too short too.

I'm trying to fill my days with all of the things I'm supposed to do. I'm also trying to do a few extra things that would be very Christmas like, but to no avail. I've watched all of the movies and specials, holiday baking, holiday parties, service, shopping, music, and gone to church. It just feels like it shouldn't be Christmastime yet I guess. Hard as I've tried, I just don't feel it.

My mom told me she's felt this way about the holiday for years. I can't be more clear when I say that scares the crap out of me. I don't want to feel like this! Last year I couldn't wait to start celebrating Christmas. I'm missing the important piece I guess, Jeff.

I wish our house would sell. I wish Jeff never lost his job. I wish things would just go back to the way they were. I don't want to be refined.

Sorry if this post isn't upbeat and happy. I'm looking forward for this week to be over. We will be spending next week with Jeff and I'm sure my blue Christmas will take a turn for the better.

21 comments:

Jeanette said...

Can I just say I feel the same way! This week marks one year that Jim lost his job. I don't want to be the 1 in 5 people in America that are unemployed or under employed this year. Oh and I am one of 5 daughters and guess what?! All my sister's husbands are climbing that corporate ladder and seeing big pay increases, etc. Lucky me. I'm trying to find that Christmas cheer. I'm praying to find it. I'll pray for you too. :)

Have a better day.

Lisa said...

:(

I am so sorry that you are feeling blue.

Hope things are a little more merry next week when you come to Tri Cities. How about a good ol' game of Risk? Now that would be fun! And we could have hot cocoa and have Christmas music playing.....ah the good life.

Can't wait to see you!

Amy J. said...

You and I had the EXACT same blog title today! Although mine was of a different context. I am so sorry you are feeling the blues...that is never any fun and even LESS fun during the holidays. I am so excited to see you all at the family dinner!!!! Feel Better! :)

Alicia said...

I'm sure it doesn't help, but I'm feeling kind of blue too. I've been feeling a little more Christmasy each day, but it's not quite the way I'd like it yet. I also feel like I'm missing something, but it'll be OK. I've been trying to focus on this quote:

“The real Christmas comes to him who has taken Christ into his life as a moving, dynamic, vitalizing force. The real spirit of Christmas lies in the life and mission of the Master....
If you desire to find the true spirit of Christmas and partake of the sweetness of it, let me make this suggestion to you. During the hurry of the festive occasion of this Christmas season, find time to turn your heart to God. Perhaps in the quiet hours, and in a quiet place, and on your knees—alone or with loved ones—give thanks for the good things that have come to you, and ask that His Spirit might dwell in you as you earnestly strive to serve Him and keep His commandments" Howard W. Hunter

Sorry for the super long comment and I hope you start feeling more Christmasy soon!

LKP said...

i have your answer! so come down to TCs this week to be near him!!!! if the girls can afford to miss some time, bring 'em here. they can stay with us each night. you can hang with me during the days!!! it's PERFECT!!!

LKP said...

u could surprise him...it would be great. just start your christmas vaca a little early and have it last a little longer is all.

also, i'd been having a little bit of a christmas spirit lull this year. once i tossed in johnny mathis & bing crosby i felt better. i guess i needed to be surrounded by christmas necessities that i grew up with. turns out i'm not ready to be a grown-up christmaser yet! 30 made be a great age, but i'm not ready for a 30th christmas. ya know another thing that brightened my day was today? no stockings, no fudge...go to deseretbook.com...search for "Another Testament: Reflections of Christ"...watch all the stuff about it. will change your day, your outlook, your life. i cried & cried and felt better...i felt healed in a way. so its just my solutions, but maybe they'll help. on the heels of that today, i'm off to read 3 Nephi! love you oodles!!!

Stephanie said...

Heidi,
I too have had many a down time at Christmas and in other hard times in my life. The year Dave spent unemployed when we had little children was especially difficult.

I finally asked Dave for a husband's blessing. Infact, He ended up giving me many over the years.

You can access byu radio or tv on the web. I found relief in listening to conference talks.

I hope the week will pass quickly and that you will be comforted in the arms of all those who love you.

Terri said...

Oh, hon - I wish I had some good, helpful advice, but I don't. Just hugs and prayers, which I'm sending loads of through cyber-space!

I will say, though, that when Ron first lost his leg I wished so much that things could go back! We lived in Lewiston, Idaho at the time and he was in the hospital in Seattle for weeks - it was awful! I had three small children and no way to get over to see him - I can't tell you how many tears I shed during that time! I hated those stupid mountain passes because my little car wasn't reliable enough to drive over them.

I just wanted the life I knew to stay exactly as it had been. It was a good life! We were happy! I didn't want to be stronger!!!

But the journey we've been on since has been amazing, even if parts of it felt unbelievably difficult and draining. I can look back now, from the top of the mountain, and know that the trip was worth it. One hundred percent worth it.

Some day, a few years from now, you'll be telling another woman the same thing - I just know it! Head down, keep shoveling - eyes on the prize - you WILL make it! And don't forget (I know you won't!) that this is equally hard on the little ones. Making it nice for them will ultimately help you, too!

Sorry for the long comment, but your post moved me. Please let me know if there's anything I can do!

jenG said...

Oh~ I loathe the blues. Especially at Christmas time. The good news is the Heavenly Father will not hold you in that refining fire longer than you can manage. I have been struggling with the some of the same things this Christmas. No husband, no money (which really is frustrating when all the world around you is happily shopping)and 4 kids to take care of by myself. The good news is that all along Heavenly Father has been by my side as he is yours. Hang in there my dear sister in Zion~ this too shall pass (just not soon enough :)

Melanee said...

I hear you there. I am so blue this Christmas I wish we were out of month of December all together. I think it has a lot to do with missing my grandma. Christmas was a big part of the year (and she was even Jehovah Witness, she did it all for us). She died of cancer 11 years ago next week. We actually had her viewing the night of Christmas an her funeral the following day. She had cancer for 15 years before she died. I don't know why it has taken me 11 years to have it really affect me, but it did.

I just wanted to let you know... you aren't alone.

SuzanSayz said...

I know how hard this is for you Heidi, and I know that the girls are making it even worse by acting out instead of coming together and helping. But you and Jeff will be together for Christmas and even for all of next week. I think I'm going to call Abbey and Lindsay and give them a grandma talking to.
I love you all, and I pray and pray that somehow things will get better.
Love Mom

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I wish there was something I could do to help out. At least you have next week to look forward to. I'm still planning on coming up for New Years, if the invite is still good. :) (and if the roads are ok)
Love you all, and hope you feel better soon. :)
~ Mel

andrea said...

(((HUGS)))
hang in there and vent away
Christmas will never be normal for my family again after last year .. this year holds little promise of healing either (my fil is gravely ill) but eventually I have faith we'll find a new normal and Christmas will be good again

Terri said...

Stop by my blog for a little surprise, my friend! :)

LaNae said...

Heidi:

Give me a call...would love to see ya before I go on Thursday afternoon...

Terri said...

Yes, you get a book, too! :) I already talked to my friend - just send me an e-mail with your address and who you want the book autographed to - I figured it was Lindsey but wanted to be sure. My address is trp100329(at)cs.com; replace (at) with @ because I hate spammers!

Thanks for being a good blog buddy! :) Remember when you introduced me to the concept of "box of awesome" - I stole that and use it all the time. I tell the techs at work that they are a box of awesome when they've been particularly helpful and it's hilarious - they just beam.

I know they think I'm a crazy lady, but when it's time to move a patient I always have help - there's something to be said for being entertaining! :)

Hang in there, sweetie - this, too, will pass. Because YOU are a BOX of AWESOME!!! :)

Marilyn said...

I'm sorry Heidi. I think I would be feeling exactly the same way if my husband and I were apart. I think you are right though, next week will be better when you are here, together, celebrating the holidays!

David said...

try watching the polar express, that will give you the christmas spirit!

Cindy Brinkerhoff said...

I am having a hard time feeling the spirit this year too. I am hopeful that next week when I can close my doors and just be with my family things will feel more exciting, spritual, fun...
We love you guys!

Mike Brinkerhoff said...

if it weren't for all the lights up, and the Christmas music playing, I wouldn't know it was that time. I've been busier than I've ever been in my life, and I am just plain tired. Exhausted. Spent. Glad to see you're doing better now though!

andrea said...

aawww Terri - I use and give boxes (or bags) of awesome out still too - the collest thing EVER :)